I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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