it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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