I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
