mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
