we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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