A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
