I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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