my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
