I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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