I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
