how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
