Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
