these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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