just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
