Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
