There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
