Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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