Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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