Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
