We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
is wine microwaveable?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
