how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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