I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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