I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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