Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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