My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
