i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
