I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
