Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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