I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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