I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
