My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
