Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
