fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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