I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
