You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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