i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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