based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sorry about my life...
I need to calm my uterus...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
