Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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