I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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