So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
