I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the day after is always just damage control
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
