Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
