my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
