I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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