she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
