I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
