i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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