So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So vagazzling was a success
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
