I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
