dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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